


Season one

by AnnaAi52



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 19:46:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12991215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaAi52/pseuds/AnnaAi52
Summary: Adding onto the show as if you're there with the team since day one. Being 29 and single, you're sensitive to your male co-workers. Will you be able to find the love you've always wanted?Notes:While watching this series and reading fanfics, I've been wondering what it would be like if there were fanfics where the reader inserts herself into the story while following along. I won't change anything in the story, but sometimes add on from the perspective of, for example, "if I were there, I would give JJ a hug."Btw, I'm personally still on season 8, but I hope to catch up soon.I really hope you like it!





	1. Episode one- Extreme Aggressor

Abbreviations:  
FBI- Federal Bureau of Investigation  
BAU- Behavioral Analyst Unit  
SSA- Supervisory Special Agent  
Y/N- Your Name  
L/N- your Last Name  
PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder  
Unsub- Unknown Subject  
————————————————————————

"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary. Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness."  
Joseph Conrad  
(Gideon)  
"All is a riddle, and the key to a riddle...is another riddle."  
Ralph Waldo Emerson  
(Gideon)

"Be at the airport by 12:30. The plane leaves for Seattle at 13:00." You were so nervous. It was your first training on the inside of an official BAU team. You've trained and studied hard for this moment for years.  
Eager to meet the team, you arrived ten minutes early and waited for Supervisory Special Agents Aaron Hotchner and Jason Gideon. They were the men who you were supposed to report to, however you were told to keep an eye on Jason in particular. As you pondered why that was, you checked your phone every minute. Your heart was beating and you felt hot. (Oh my gosh...) you thought. (I hope I can help.)  
Finally, the sliding doors opened to reveal a group of men and a woman. I was told I wasn't the only female in-training by the chief. Leaving your bag on the ground, you walked to greet them.  
"Hello. I'm Y/N L/N. It's truly an honor," you smiled.  
"Nice to meet you too. I'm SSA Hotchner. These are Agents Gideon, Morgan, and Reid. And she's another trainee." He quickly shook your hand and introduced you, continuing to the jet. Looking over your shoulder to see who waved when, you walked with them.  
"Elle Greenaway," said the brunette.  
You went straight to the point. "I'm afraid I didn't receive a copy of the file. May I look at someone's?"  
A tall, slim man answered quickly. "Y-you can borrow mine. I've already memorized it. I can pull it out for you on the plane."  
"Thank you."  
Brainstorming together, you joined them in the case briefing in the giant metal bird. You planned to research as much background information as possible on the five hour flight from Virginia to Washington. 

Finally, you got to the FBI Field Office, and muttered a "thank you" as Derek held the door open for you all. At the security check, you overheard the, not only an Agent, but also a Doctor Spencer saying something about PTSD.  
(That must be about Jason. That's why the chief had asked about my interest in psychology.) Not that it was going to change how you acted towards him. More accurately, you reminded yourself to treat the others like Jason. You knew that EVERYONE had hardships. You just didn't know the specifics. 

For the rest of the case, you mostly stayed at the office. You kept the suspect, Richard's grandmother company and questioned her. Giving her your contact information before she left, you reluctantly watched her walk out of the office without a ride. You organized the files and took notes. Not that you minded, you'd been a secretary and paralegal before. Plus, Elle was more experienced out in the field. You also made sure to write down the victims names and today's date, as well as the unsub's name. After your own hardships with life, you swore to yourself two things. To respect, honor, and remember those who have passed, no matter how well you knew them. And to apologize for the culprit, no matter how many wrongs they did. You liked to believe that every person had good, light magic if you will, in their hearts. 

"Try again, fail again. Fail better."  
Samuel Beckett  
(Gideon)

"Try not, do or do not."  
Yoda  
(Morgan)

On the flight back, you sat on the couch with Derek. You of all people knew that the feeling loneliness was the worst.  
"Hey, L/N."  
"Hi Morgan. Y/N's fine. May I sit next to you?"  
"Yeah, come here," he invited as you sat. "Call me Derek."  
You shook his hand while you started over, taking your time introducing yourselves.  
But soon, the exhausted muscle-man and young genius fell asleep. As you listened to their even breathing, you got out some paper to write letters to your new teammates. 

"The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you will see."  
Winston Churchill  
(Gideon)

"When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you."  
Friedrich Nietzsche  
(Gideon)

At the office in Quantico, Virginia, a plump, blond woman was waiting for our return.  
"Welcome back!"  
After Derek gave her a hug, she turned towards you with the brightest smile.  
"Hi!! I'm Penelope Garcia, the Tech Analyst! When you need something looked up or searched or anything tech-related, just give me a ring!"  
With an equally wide smile, you retuned for handshake and positivity. "Thank you so much! I'm Y/N. I look forward to working with you!!"  
"Oh, but I don't normally go to the scenes. I get enough of the graphic stuff on screen, thanks." She looked to her African American friend nearby. "I don't know how you guys do what you do, but I'm good being in my den."  
You smiled. "Well then, I guess I'll just have to come visit you then," you said.  
Penelope beamed. "Oh, yes! Please do! Visitors are always welcome!" she replied excitedly. "It's very sweet of you to offer to come, unlike some people who've known me for so long. Yet, they still don't know how to appreciate their tech magician," she teased.  
Derek put his hands up in defeat. "Ok, Mama. I hear you."  
As you watched the BAU technician growl at the man, you lovingly looked forward to spending more time with them. Maybe someday, you'd be one of them...

——————  
Dear Agents Gideon and Hotchner,  
Thank you so much for letting me investigate the case with you and your team. It was such an amazing experience working with you. I hope I was able to help, but I will work to contribute more. Also, please feel free to call me by my first name. Although the dates are unclear, I look forward to working with you as long as I'm needed.  
Thank you so much again.  
Sincerely,  
Y/N L/N  
———  
Dear Derek,  
Thank you for welcoming me into your team. I'm glad we got a chance to talk on the plane back, I wanted a chance to get to know the team I'll be working with. I hope we can get closer with time. I think you're very fun to be with and I admire how you're so friendly with everyone on the team. I hope you know that I'll do anything for you if there are any problems. I look forward to working with you again!  
Thanks again!  
Sincerely,  
Y/N  
———  
Dear Dr. Spencer,  
First of all, thank you for sharing the file with me. I think it's remarkable to have an eidetic memory and can read 2,000 words per minute! I guess I'll have to work harder to get along with you, even though we're about the same age. I love the facts you've explained to me today and I hope you know that it's one of the reasons I look forward to working with you again. Also, please know that I will do anything for you if anything comes up.  
Thanks again!  
Sincerely,  
Y/N  
———  
Dear Elle,  
It was so nice to meet you! I hope you're having as awesome an experience as I am. The chief said this team was a bit small and they're looking for new members. And I understand that we both want this opening. All I ask is that we continue our friendly relationship even while competing for this spot. I look forward to working with you!  
Thanks for your kindness!  
Sincerely,  
Y/N  
———  
Dear Penelope,  
Thank you so much for coming out to greet me!! It was so nice of you, even when I'm the "new girl" in the team. I loved talking to you and I really hope we get to know each other better, when we're together. Oh, and btw I LOVED your outfit! I know I can count on you to be the brightest sunshine, but I want to be here for you too. I hope you'll keep that in mind. :)  
Thanks again!!  
Sincerely,  
Y/N

 

————————————————————————  
Note: I kind of added Elle in some scenes just because she didn't come up as much. But other than that, I think I didn't change the original. 

Okay, so, first fanfic. And I'm so proud that it's about my current favorite show!! Let me know what you thought of it. Was it too long or short? Were some things unnecessary? Are there any confusions or mistakes? Idk how often I'm posting yet, but please know that I like to take my time to perfect these. :P  
Oh, and feel free to profile me! Test your inner FBI BAU skills!!


	2. Episode two: Compulsion

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."  
Albert Einstein  
(Gideon)  
"There are certain clues at a crime scene which by their very nature do not lend themselves to being collected or examined. How's one collect love, rage, hatred, fear...? These are things that we're trained to look for."  
James Reese   
(Gideon)

You walked into Jason's office with Elle, just as the trainees were finishing their interviews. "Agent Gideon, how are you?" you asked.   
He sighed, "Good. Why do you ask?"   
"I just wanted to be sure. I heard you were held at gunpoint, and didn't know if you were hurt, sir."   
"I'm fine, thank you."   
"I'm glad. And relieved the Footpath Killer is caught," you said, smiling.   
Elle entered further into the room and sat. When she asked about the murderer's stutter, the two of you were challenged by the experienced profiler.   
(Stutters...) you thought. (What causes them in the first place? Are they just born with it?) Knowing the genius Spence would know, you held onto that thought. Leaving the office, you were about to call out to him when you saw him being outsmarted at chess. (Wow. Didn't think that would happen.) Internally, you lovingly smiled watching him furrow his brows in concentration.  "Hey Spencer?"   
He didn't look up from his board as he answered. "Yeah?"   
"I'm sorry to interrupt you, but do you know what causes stutters?"   
It was then he looked at you and started. "The exact cause of stuttering is actually unknown, but recent studies suggest that individuals who stutter inherit traits that risk them developing it. There are cases when a certain event triggers the fluency deficiency, and it's most common between the ages 2 and 5, when they start learning the grammatical rules of English. They find it more difficult than other kids their age to speak in complete sentences. Stutters are especially aggravated when the person is irritated, embarrassed, anxious, or annoyed," he rambled. "They're usually brought to awareness in elementary school and they're more common in men than women, but 75% of those who stutter outgrow them during their preschool years."   
You could do nothing but stare in awe of your remarkable teammate as he finished. As you started to process the clump of information he rapidly said, Spence smiled awkwardly and tried to land his eyes somewhere. (So, I guess either he had been in an enraging position or something ultimately embarrassing happened to him in his childhood... But how could Jason have known that? They didn't even have a suspect. Even so, he knew something was off about him?)   
"Wow," you finally said. "Thank you. I... I didn't know about anything you said and I'm so happy you shared it with me." You dropped onto your knees, leaned into his desk, and looked up at him, like a child fascinated by something he never knew. You looked into his chocolate eyes, which were avoiding your curiosity. "There must be so much more interesting information behind your wise eyes," you said quietly. "Will you mind sharing it with me, little by little?"   
He blushed and met your gaze. "Yeah... Um, I guess."   
You smiled brightly and warmly. "Thank you."   
You stood up while listening to Elle trying to pry a hint out of Derek, wondering if you've caught Spence's attention. 

"... Special Agent Jennifer Jareau, JJ if you like."  
After politely waiting your turn, you shook the pretty blond woman's hand. "Y/N. It's a pleasure to meet you."   
She walked and talked, and your eyes followed her, but you couldn't help but notice Hotch walking briskly with a stern face. 

You decided to help the handsome doctor on this case. Watching the video of the first victim, a male college student, you pursed your lips. (Just grab every detail you can possibly find.) you told yourself. Spence was next to you on another computer, trying to do the same. You looked down at what you were wearing. You'd opened your blouse a few buttons to "try to look less official". You looked at the guys' clothing. (Nothing out of place there...) You turned to ask Spence for advice. "Spencer? When you were in college, what did you?"   
"Well, ahem, mostly, I-I'd just study."   
"Where?"   
He looked up, curious. "In my room or the library, I guess. Why?"   
"Just trying to think like the UnSub." You smiled. "You never know what experiences or knowledge someone has about something. Especially you."   
He chuckled nervously and went back to the recording.   
"I think I'll visit the burning building and Matthew's room. I want to know a bit more about him and the teacher." You touched his shoulder as you walked by.   
"Okay..." Spence replied halfheartedly leaning closer to the screen. Little did you know he was onto a critical point in the case. 

"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself."  
William Faulkner  
(Gideon)

On the plane back home, you sat next to Derek again. As you listened in on Elle and Jason's conversation, you pouted. "So it was a trick question?"   
Derek laughed. "Guess so."   
"Are you okay?"  
"What?"  
"You were coughing a lot. Did you breathe in a lot of smoke?"   
"I'm alright. I wasn't in the bomb squad for nothing," he smiled.   
"You are amazing, you know that?" you giggled.   
"Yeah," he joked.   
You sat back and hesitated before placing you hand on his. "That professor... Mr. Wallace. I'm glad you got to Gideon before he burned himself."   
He looked at your touch. "Yeah..."   
You pulled away in case he was uncomfortable. "Hey. Don't look back. You did what you thought was right. And it is. Gideon is safe because of you," you comforted.   
He thanked you, but avoided eye contact.   
You smiled bitterly, but let it go. (I'm still new. It's not like he's going to open his heart for me.) You sat in silence, trusting the good man beside you that he will talk if he wanted to. It doesn't always help to be persistent.   
You looked over at Spence and Jason playing a rematch, and then to Aaron. After giving Derek your number and flirtatiously signing him to call you, you got up to sit next to Aaron.   
He looked up immediately. "Hey."   
You preformed a small curtsy and smiled. "Sir. May I?" You gestured to the seat in front of him.   
He chuckled softly, shaking his head, not fully forming a smile. "Go ahead."   
"This may seem inappropriate, but may I call you Aaron in unofficial situations?" you inquired as you settled into your seat.   
"I suppose," he said, curious. "Why?"  
You looked into his eyes and smiled, but stated with concern, "I am working with you and your team. Relationships, even between bosses and co-workers are important. And I believe this team understands you best in your work life. So, I will speak with honesty, as I always try to do; Please know that you can come to me with any problems. I know you have an expecting wife," you smiled warmly, "and as much as I'd love for you to confide in her, I'm here as a third option."   
"What's my second option?"  
You looked behind you at Jason. "I believe you're very close."  
"You're right," he confessed.   
"Aaron, I would be honored if you would keep that in mind."   
He looked at you, your offer unexpected. "Thank you."   
You smiled happily. "It's the least I can do."   
Blushing and timidly grinning, he asked, "And how did you know my wife was pregnant?"   
"A colorful birdie told me," you said, thinking of your bright friend back at the office.   
Just as you were about to end the conversation, he said, "I noticed you talking to Morgan and Reid. And that letter, I'm guessing they got theirs too."   
You nodded shyly.   
"I appreciate you looking after every member. But, you can count on us too."   
You considered that, whispering, "Yes, Aaron." 

*Knock knock*   
"Come in!"  
You opened the door to enter a room cluttered with little fluffs and goodies. On the desk and the walls were running computers. "Wow," you breathed.   
She turned around in her office chair. "Hey, you!! How was it?"   
"We got her, Clara. How are you, Penelope?"   
"Oh, I am doing just grand! You're the first visitor since JJ an hour ago!!"   
"Oh, that reminds me. I have to go visit her, too."   
She grinned and took a sip of her tea. "How was Phoenix, my love?"   
"It was a bit warmer, but I didn't mind. I'm from California," you shrugged.   
"Mmh! That's right, I read that on your file."  
"Ah! You read my file??" you joked.   
"Mhmm! Just the usual background check I do." She winked.   
"Uh-huh. I am going to keep an eye on you."   
Laughing, you made plans to go out for tea together sometime and hugged her as you walked out of her funhouse. 

Later, after you'd finished your reports and finding the liaison's office empty, you texted JJ.   
You: Hello, JJ. This is Y/N. I got your number from Penelope.   
Minutes later, you got a response.   
JJ: Hi! Good work today in Arizona. I heard Hotch saying good things about you.  
You: Thank you! I look forward to working with you again!   
JJ: Same here  
You wished each other a good night and looked up from your phone. (Aaron's lights are still on.) You decided to go see if you could help him, but first, hugged Derek and Elle a good night on their way out of the BAU office.   
————————————————————————  
Comment please! Tell me how I did!


	3. Episode 3: Won’t get Fooled Again

TRIGGER WARNING!!! Cutting.   
(Just in case...)  
————————————————————————

"Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble."  
Samuel Johnson  
(Gideon)

You took notes and waited in the conference room for Agents Hotchner and Gideon to arrive. (Okay, what do I know about bombers and bombs? They explode. They cause harm. ...What else?) You flipped the pages and titled them "Victims" and "UnSub". (Think: Who, what, when, where, why, and how.) 

"Derek?"   
"Yeah?"  
"You have experience with this, right? Do you know if these materials are easily collected?" You pointed at the pictures of the bomb fragments laid out on the table in front of you.   
"These are your basic supplies at the hardware store. From what I can see, there's nothing special about them."  
"Hmmm. I see."   
Elle joined the exchange. "So the significance must be in the chemicals."   
"I can ask Penelope," you suggested. 

When JJ came in with the news, you prayed that the panic won't cause too much trouble. Heading to Florida is the best thing you could do for now. 

You pursed your lips as you remembered the news clip of the third bombing. Listening to the case briefing, you helped JJ prepare refreshments for everyone. Derek and Penelope had stayed behind at headquarters, and while you offered to help them, Derek assured you that the rest of the team needed you more. You'd given them a tight squeeze before you left, but you missed them already.   
After settling in your seat next to Jason, you texted your trusted friend to give you more information online about Barbara Keller, Mr. Clurman, and Jill Swenson. As you waited for a response, you drew out a timeline and started to go over the known facts once more. 

You went with Elle and Aaron to the Clurman house and placed yourself in charge of Mrs. Clurman. You talked to her and tried to get to know the three neighbors better. When Elle found the picture, you were told about their twelve year old nephew. 

Once you found out about the connection between the unsub and Adrian Bale, you fixed your attention on Mr. Bale. You went with Jason and Spence to talk to Adrian in Georgia.   
Waiting outside while Jason interviewed him was agony. With your belief, you wanted to point out that he could still do good for the world. But that didn't seem near in the future, listening to him insult his interrogator. Sighing, you asked Spence, "Isn't there anything we can do?"   
"Un-unfortunately not..."  
You looked at him and tried to guess how he was. He flinched when you touched his forearm, so you receded your hand. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to know that, at least from what I can tell so far, he's strong," you said, referring to Jason. "Since it must be hard for him, let's just be there for him when he needs us, okay?" You smiled tenderly.   
"Y-yeah. He is.. Okay." He nodded and smiled slightly too.   
A few minutes later, Jason was getting ready to head back. You were torn between going with him and staying with Spence. "I'll stay with you, Spencer."   
He smiled. "Thanks, b-but I can handle it here."   
Catching his meaning, you forced yourself to part with him with nothing more than a goodbye. (I guess I can talk to the little girl, too,) you thought. (I can't be at two places at once, but I hope I get a moment with Spence later.) You focused on helping your partner crack the case. 

To be honest, you were disappointed that Mr. Bale lied about the wires. You sat in the seat of the plane with your legs curled in front of you, hugging them to your chest.   
Aaron noticed right away and got up to sit next to you. "What's on your mind?"  
You smiled at his kindness. "I guess nothing impacted Adrian enough to tell us the truth." Your smile turned bitter. "I hope that changes. Do you think there's anything I can do?"   
He answered with a soft expression, "I'm sure you'll find something."  
I smiled, happy that he opened his expressions a bit towards you, especially in the short time you've known each other.   
"How are you? Were you hurt?"  
"No, Jason warned Elle and me just in time."  
"I'm glad," you smiled. You placed your chin back on top of your knees.   
"Is there something else?" Hotch asked, concerned.   
You tilted your head and smiled reassuringly. "Not really, no. But thank you. This is just a comfortable position for me."  
You closed your eyes, wondering if he was profiling you as to why you were so introverted. Suddenly, you opened your eyes and looked around. Spence was sitting on the couch alone.   
"Excuse me," you whispered as you got up from your seat.   
Hotch caught on and said your name. "Y/N."   
You looked back and turned towards him fully, giving him your attention and respect.   
He gazed into your eyes and maintained eye contact as he spoke, "You have to be there for yourself too. And if you need anything, I'm happy to help."   
You gave him a warm, appreciative smile. "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." With that, you went to Spence.   
"Hi Doctor."  
He looked up and greeted you. "Hi..."  
"I hope you weren't lonely in Georgia."  
He seemed a bit surprised for you to bring that up. "Oh, no, not at all."   
You lifted the corners of your mouth. "You're very kind and considerate."  
"Thank you..." he said awkwardly.   
With nothing much more to say, you went to the girls last. "Hey."  
"Hi," they replied.   
You sat down with them. "How are you guys?"   
"I'm just tired," JJ chuckled.   
"Same," said the profiler.   
You looked to Elle. "Were you hurt? I mean there was the car and the bomb..."  
"Yeah. Thanks for your concern, but I'm fine. I can handle it." She shrugged.   
You just smiled, but a little sadly. (I guess women out in the field want to feel strong.) 

Later, you went back home, to your apartment. You had stopped by at the office to wish Derek and Penelope good night, hug your teammates, except Spence, and pick up files to finish for homework. You also texted Jason, asking him if he's up to grabbing a cut of coffee sometime. You didn't think he'd appreciate babying, so something casual should do.   
Sighing, you dropped your things on the table and took out a small floral notebook from your bag. It held your best friends for over a decade. You walked over to your bedroom with it, the work files, and your laptop. Settling on your bed, you leaned over to grab some of the paper towels on your nightstand. You lowered your underwear to reveal your scarred hips. You also took off your black socks. You knew ankles were sensitive, but it was easy to hide. You scraped off the scabs clean first, then rubbed the blade against the same patch of skin, over and over and over again... You breathed out a sigh as the blood started to ooze out at a considerable pace. Sometimes, you even used ice to numb your skin to tolerate the pain. But today wasn't as bad. Elle triggered this a little today. Not to blame her, but you couldn't help but compare yourself to her strength. (You weak, little freak. You're too fat to be weak. You worthless, helpless, over-emotional, pathetic...) Right hip. Then, left. It was harder to find a vein on the side of your hips. Left ankle. And right. Your foot twitched as you cut nervously. Taking a second or two to breathe once in a while, you bowed down to your addiction. Still, it was easier since you had the freedom to go shopping. You remembered how you used to frantically run around the house, trying desperately to find something to harm yourself with, after your parents found and disposed of the ones you had been using. How you lied to bike to the library when you were actually going to the drug store across the street of it to buy the biggest bottle of paracetamol. But now, you could just easily drive yourself to a stationary store to get a pack of pencil sharpeners. They were so much better and sturdier than the flimsy, thin ones you’d obtained by breaking apart razors.   
It was about an hour before your needs were satisfied. Flushing the red-stained papers down the toilet, you began to work on the files. (With this lack of concentration, who knows when I'll finish...)


	4. Chapter 4: Plain Sight

Abbreviation: 

PD - Police Department   
————————————————————————

"Don't forget that I cannot see myself -- that my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror."  
Jacques Rigaut  
(Gideon)

You all gathered around Spence's desk, singing happy birthday. You had also called Mama Bear out of her den to join the celebration. The cake, the candles, the birthday hat, the people, and love... You were so happy to be in this moment, and refused your brain's voices to tell you otherwise. You looked to Derek, Elle, JJ, Penelope, and finally the birthday boy you've become fond of. Everyone was smiling. (If only this moment could last forever...) you thought bitterly, as darkness started to cloud over your thinking. (This is only going to be a fleeting moment. Like a good dream cut too short. Because I don't deserve a reality this loving. My feelings for this team aren't mutual. Why am I here? I don't deserve to be a part of this joyful celebration. Spence is one of the most amazing people I've ever met... I was silently invited to this party. Was I even invited? Spence wouldn't want a sad girl like me to be here. What am I doing? I should just go...) Just then, the phone rang. Your attention shifted to Aaron as he answered to his call. Still, you helped JJ prepare the cake for everyone to enjoy.   
"Happy Birthday, Spencer." You smiled as widely as you could muster. "I'm so happy to have met you."   
"Thanks, Y/N. Me, too."   
You adored his smile. 

You sat across from Spence on the private jet. You were switching back and forth from looking at the case file, the notes you were taking, and the people who were speaking. (The Tommy killer wants their eyes open, to see...)  
"... Y-you should see what comes up when you type death into a search engine."   
"Reid, no wonder you can't get a date." Derek teased.   
You snapped your head up. "Derek~!" you playfully scolded.   
The personable man just rolled his eyes, smirking. 

Everyone was silent on the way to the police station, Jason's words weighing heavily in their hearts. You entered last, for you held the door open for the team. But when you did, you saw that the time it took to arrive there wasn't enough for cooling down. You politely greeted the detective with Aaron and JJ, but excused yourself to find the others. (I know there's nothing to be positive about when there's a rapist on the loose, but it can't help to be so cold to the local PD, can it?)   
You entered the room to find them already setting the board up. You helped Elle, Spence, Derek, and Jason sort through. "The man you passed on your way in, he's the task force commander, Captain Griffith," you informed quietly.   
Derek looked up. "What?"   
You breathed out a small sigh and were about to answer him when Spence and Elle replied for you.   
"Captain Griffith is the commander," he repeated, coolly.   
"The guy we walked past."   
"Oh."   
You smiled a small smile and got back to work, not pressing the matter. 

When all was in place, you mimicked Jason, examining each and every small detail of all of the pictures and tried to piece the puzzle together. Where the women were laid and how. Where the glue was applied. The pieces of broken supplies. You read about their family, learned that they were wives, and mothers of sons. After, you joined Spence with the quotes from the ballad. "Fair lady, throw those costly robes aside. No longer may you glory in your pride. Take leave of all your carnal, vain delight. I've come to summon you away this night." (Death... I wish it would come and take me, too. I don't wish for luxury. I won't beg to live either. I would be happy to follow Death...) 

When JJ commented, you absorbed the information the young genius casually rambled.   
"Wow, enthralling..," you said. "It's not really such a wonder. After the renaissance, the Black Death, or the bubonic plague, may have influenced many people back then to rethink how close death can be. Calculate if they can afford to bribe it away, especially the nobles and lords who didn't want their luxurious life to end. It clouded everyone's thoughts, because of the people next to them dying, left and right. But, human minds are naturally fascinated by death, even now," you whispered, but you shut up when you realized how your little slip just then may reveal your suicide ideations.   
"Yeah..." Spence replied.   
You wondered if he was going to say something more, when JJ looked at you both with questioning eyes.   
"Yeah, creepy," you both said. 

You carpooled with Aaron to search the neighborhood. After being called in to the specific address, you rushed to the house. When you entered the house with him and Elle, finding the crying boy, you quietly asked him to let you know when you catch Franklin. As soon as you heard your name from upstairs, you swiftly, but gingerly approached the distressed boy. "Hi there, little man. It's okay now, you're okay. Mommy's going to be here for you soon, okay? Don't worry. It's okay," you cooed, putting your hands up. "It is okay if I hold your hand?"   
He nodded, through his cries for desperate security.   
"Yeah? Okay. It's okay. I'm Y/N. It's okay now." While you didn't expect him to stop crying, you wanted to comfort him until his mother was ready to come down. Although you didn't know how far Franklin got with her, you were sure it was traumatizing and you didn't want to rush her. Sometimes, a parent had to appear less disoriented for a child. "There you go. Just hold my hand, okay?" Despite it being more like him holding your fingers, you warmed his hands with yours. 

On the way back from San Diego, you sat at Elle's feet as she rested. You thought back to the little boy. Although it was crazy, you'd daydreamed of becoming a mother since you were fourteen. You'd entertained the idea of adopting children and giving them priceless love, even if you weren't able to necessarily give them common riches. You loved the idea of how someday, you'd be able to live with a family of your own, to raise children and help them. Perhaps you'd even find a partner. Oh, how you wished you had that partner with you now, as much as you wanted a child. (I would never neglect them, always care for them and put them first. They would be the most precious things in the world...) you used to think. (But am I asking too much? Do I even deserve for my dreams to come true? I'm no princess. Princes and happily ever after's don't exist for me. What am I thinking?)   
However, it was bittersweet watching, perhaps spying, Spence asking JJ out to a football game. You sighed, and gave in to your desires. (I wonder if I'll be lucky enough for someone...) You lost yourself in deep thoughts as you sat curled up in a ball. 

"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"  
Rose Kennedy  
(Gideon)

"Hi, Penelope."   
"Hey, Y/N! How'd it go?"   
"Good. The mom wasn't hurt much and the boy was unharmed."   
"Oh, good." She placed a hand to her chest, her face matching the relief she felt.   
You silently stood in front of her. Feeling awkward standing, you sat on the floor.   
"What's wrong?"  
You sighed, hugging your knees again. "Nothing much." You offered a smile. It must have been a bit strained, because she didn't take it.   
"Doesn't look like it." She leaned forward in her office chair. "Tell me."   
You held hands with your dear friend. Taking a deep breath, you confided what you could. "My middle name, Ai, means love in Japanese. Despite that, I don't think I've felt true love before. Sure, I treat people with love, or what I think it should be, but I can't really feel it in my heart. I never have. Even for my parents or siblings. I want to, but I just can't. I can't much, either. It's like my heart's gone numb." You looked up at her. "I... I want to be loved, and feel that love."   
"Well, I love you," she gave you a smile. "Or do you want a boyfriend?"   
You ducked your head. "Maybe."   
"Hey. It's totally normal. I mean, when I see hot guys with some girl, I wish I could be someone's girlfriend." She squeezed your hand. "You are an amazing person, and when the time comes, you will meet him. And he's going to fall head over heels for you, and I'm gonna be there to say 'I told you so!' So don't give up."   
You smiled at each other. "Thank you."   
"You are totally welcome, my love." 

That night, the two of you parted with a nice, tight and long hug.   
(I may feel unworthy, but I am blessed. I hope Spence and JJ have a good time...)


End file.
